SpiderPig
by xkohleyesx
Summary: LOOK OOOUT! HE IS A SPIDER-PIIIIG!” --- we all know how much jack loves the simpsons... but this is just ridiculous! :D


:D It's odd, but I like it. Hope you do too.

And unfortunately, I still don't own Stargate :P

* * *

The Stargate _kawooshed_ loudly in the empty clearing. Quickly the vortex settled back into the stone ring and rippled softly as four figures stepped through its watery surface.

Colonel Jack O'Neill stood on the steps of the 'gate platform and surveyed the surrounding area. Behind him, he listened as the 'gate disengaged and the silence of its absent soft hum seemed to echo through the field before him.

"Well, that was a tidge anticlimactic, don't ya think?" O'Neill murmured, following his team away from the 'gate. "Just a whole lotta nothing here."

The other members of SG-1 turned where they stood and gave O-Neill an odd look.

"I would have to disagree, O'Neill," Teal'c frowned, raising a single brow in typical Teal'c fashion as he eyed the younger man. "There is, indeed, much to behold on this planet."

"Yeah, T, _trees_. Lots and lots of trees." O'Neill countered. "Like I said: whole lotta nothing."

Daniel chose that moment to step into the conversation. "Actually, Jack, there's more than just trees here."

O'Neill rolled his eyes. _Here we go…_

"Aside from the possible medicinal purposes of the local flora, there are numerous signs of a semi-advance though now extinct indigenous race. Not to mention the rather large temple five miles from here that's practically _covered_ in ancient Aztec symbols." Daniel paused for effect. "Even _you_ have to appreciate the global implications of such a discovery…"

Daniel's tirade trailed off as he noticed O'Neill's apparent lack of interest. With a frustrated sigh, he blew a piece of hair out of his face.

O'Neill glanced at his second-in-command with pleading eyes. "Help me out here, Carter. I need something to counter 'global implications'."

Carter smiled sweetly at him before speaking slowly in a slightly apologetic tone "Well, sir, our previous readings _did_ indicate that the soil of this planet shows signs of being highly rich in valuable minerals, including naquadah…"

O'Neill scowled lightly at the blonde.

"Et tu, Carter?" He pouted slightly, grumbling to himself about mutinous insubordinates.

The other members of SG-1 simply rolled their eyes in unison at the colonel's antics. They were quite used to this conversation. After all, it was the nearly the same one they had any time they visited a highly wooded planet.

"You know, I never understood that." Carter mused, pulling O'Neill out of his sour mumblings. "For a man who loves his cabin in the woods so much, you sure hate trees, sir."

O'Neill looked at Carter as though the concept was the easiest thing in the world to understand. "Yes. Yes, I do, Carter."

Carter opened her mouth, preparing to ask him to elaborate, but, taking point, O'Neill halted any further discussion on the matter as he began spouting orders.

"Okay, we're gunna head over to that temple Danny's so in love with. While he's checking that out, Carter, you can take some soil samples and whatever else you need to do about that. Me and Teal'c will watch the perimeter while you two work, and I suppose help if you need it."

Nodding in understanding and agreement. They eagerly (in Daniel's case), dutifully (in Carter's), and casually (in Teal'c's) fell into line behind O'Neill as he headed east, in the direction of the temple.

* * *

"These trees are amazing…" Carter breathed in awe as she stared up into the ebony leaves surrounding the path that SG-1 walked. "A little eerie maybe… But still… Amazing…"

"What do you think they are?" she asked loudly, pulling her mesmerized gaze from the dark canopy and directing her attention instead to her fellow teammates.

The men simply stare back, blank faced.

Suddenly, O'Neill's face lit up.

"I know." He said with a smug grin.

Carter and Daniel both turned an astounded face to O'Neill while Teal'c quirked a brow and tilted his head slightly to the side.

"Harboring another hidden interest besides astronomy, Jack?" Daniel questioned sarcastically. "Haven't taken a shining to dendrology, have you?"

O'Neill turned to face the archaeologist, his eyes vacant and his face empty. Shaking his head once, a wide grin cracked over his mouth.

"I don't know what that is, but I _do _know what those are!" He paused dramatically, watching as the disbelief and expectation grew on his teammates' faces.

"It's_ the epiphitrees!_"

The members of SG-1 gaped, wide-eyed, at their supposed leader.

"I do not understand, O'Neill," Teal'c's head tilted even further, a small frown gracing his lips.

Almost immediately, Daniel groaned loudly, scrubbing a hand over his face. "It's going to be one of _those_ days, isn't it, Jack?"

O'Neill merely smiled, continuing down the path.

* * *

SG-1 approached the temple a half hour later. As the team took in the structure's crumbling façade, O'Neill could sense the air tense behind him. A small smirk pulled at his lips as a long moment of expectant quiet enveloped the group.

Climbing the steps leading up to the building- the hush continuing between them as they did so- the groups' bodies began to ease as they paused for a moment at the top, taking in the much clearer view of the temple's gently curving roof.

Grinning, lopsidedly and happily, O'Neill decided, at last, to break the silence. After all, who was he to disappoint his awaiting campers??

"Well, if no one else is going to say it… Oookay…" O'Neill inhaled deeply through pursed lips. "_D'OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHME!!"_

* * *

"Jack, come look at these symbols. Aren't they fascinating? You can almost read them like English..."

O'Neill inspected the pictures etched into the temple's walls. He rubbed his chin as if in thought. "_There's something strange about that 'Sop' sign..._" he mumbled under his breath.

Daniel's eyes closed slightly.

"Jaaack.." he whined.

"What, Danny? _I was elected lead, not to read."_ O'Neill quipped in near-perfect Schwarzenegger fashion, glancing sidelong at the tablet to which Daniel pointed.

Daniel hung his head, shaking it back and forth at yet another Simpson's movie reference.

"Okay, Jack, just- just go back over there and sit." Daniel moaned softly, head still shaking, as he rubbed his eyes beneath his glasses.

* * *

Carter glanced disapprovingly at her CO.

"Sir, do you really have to do that?" she eyed the plastic toy in O'Neill's hands, following its path as it whizzed down and up, down and up, down and up.

After being kicked out of the temple by Daniel, O'Neill had taken up a spot near Carter. A few moments of pestering later, managing to incite little more than two-word responses from the blonde, O'Neill had quickly abandoned his efforts and had extracted the small toy from his pocket that he kept for just such occasions.

For nearly twenty minutes, Carter had been able to ignore the colonel's antics, figuring that the twirling yo-yo was a welcome distraction to keep him out of her hair as she worked on cataloging the soil samples she had removed from the ground.

However, as time passed, the man's subtle motions quickly turned to attempting more difficult tricks.

After several minutes of listening to whizzing and grunts of pain as the toy flew out of control, trying her hardest to focus on the task at hand (and failing miserably), Carter had finally decided to speak.

"Sir? Can't you go somewhere else and do that?" She was getting irritated. O'Neill could hear it in her voice.

"Sure, I _could_…" He muttered. The tip of his tongue peaked through the side of his mouth, his eyes focusing intently on the intricate move he was attempting with the yo-yo.

"Siir…" Carter begged desperately, her eyes equally unable to move from his hands.

"What, Major? So desperate to get rid of me?" O'Neill joked.

"Well, actually, sir…" Carter began slowly. "It _is_ really distracting… and just a little bit annoying…"

O'Neill glanced up from object of their conversation and met her gaze, a mildly hurt look spreading across his face.

"Aww! But Carter, if I left now, you wouldn't be able to see…" he paused for effect before continuing in a booming voice. "**Buddha's Revenge**!!!"

Carter rolled her eyes, but they soon grew wide with wonder as she watched the colonel twist and turn the yo-yo's string, bouncing the toy's blue body back and forth with expert ease.

"Oh, wow! That was incredible, sir!" Carter's blue eyes twinkled brightly as a large smile broke across her face.

"Aha! _You smiled! I'm off the hook!_" O'Neill yelled joyfully, unwinding the long string from his fingers.

* * *

O'Neill stood still, amongst the trees, staring up at the leaves, a contemplating look on his face. After his little display of 'mad yo-yoing skills' (as he had proudly called them), Carter had quickly come to her senses and banished the colonel to wonder the woods.

"Hey! Look!" O'Neill suddenly screamed.

As the rest of SG-1 turned their eyes to see what had caused the man to yell, O'Neill yanked a pair black leaves from a nearby branch and placed them on either side of the top of his head.

"_I'm the mascot of an evil corporation!_" He mimicked in a high, squeaky, mouse-like voice.

The team merely groaned at the impersonation (and undeniable movie reference) and continued doing what they had been doing before O'Neill had called out.

* * *

Walking the perimeter with Teal'c for the fifth time in the last hour, O'Neill couldn't deny it any longer:

He was bored. Incredibly, mind-numbingly BORED.

"_Must keep going. Must keep going._" O'Neill muttered quietly to himself as he trudged through the familiar patches of weeds."_Must keep going. Must keep going._"

Raising his volume only slightly, he continued the one-sided argument with himself.

"_**I can't!**__" _

"_Yes, you can."_

"_**No, I can't.**__" _

"_Yes, you can." _

"_**Oh, shut up!**__" _

"You_ shut up!" _

"_**No, **_**you**_**!**__" _

"_No, you!" _

"_**Oh, real mature!**_"

"_Oh, what's the point?_"

Pausing mid-stride, O'Neill dropped to his knees (ignoring the mild twinge the joints made as he landed) and softly face-planted into the moist grass.

"O'Neill, are you alright?" The Jaffa's deep voice questioned from somewhere to O'Neill's left. Mild concern and- _was that amusement?_- coated his words.

"Fine, T… Totally fine…" O'Neill muffled through the dirt.

* * *

"_D'oh!_"

* * *

"_D'oh!_"

* * *

"_D'oh!_"

"Shut UP, Jack!" Daniel yelled in frustration.

The man in question merely peered at the brunette innocently. "S'cuse me?"

"You heard me, Jack." Daniel glared. "I am sick to death of all of your stupid Simpsons movie references! Now, I think I speak for all of us when I say, **I want you to stop**!"

O'Neill looked thoughtful for a moment. "I haven't quoted it _that_ much… Have I?" He looked expectantly at the other two members of SG-1.

Carter nodded reluctantly, not meeting her commanding officer's eyes. Teal'c quirked a brow and inclined his head slightly in concurrence,

"I must agree with Daniel Jackson, O'Neill. You have indeed been quoting the film quite often on today's mission."

O'Neill blew out a breath then finally sighed. "Well, sorry, guys." He mumbled softly, then sat back down on the rock he claimed earlier that morning, determined to remain quiet for the duration of the trip.

* * *

Six very uneventful (and boring, in O'Neill's opinion) hours later, the team began their trek back to the Stargate.

* * *

"_Hm hm HM, hm hm HM, hm hm HM-HM-HM hm hm HM…_" O'Neill paused and glanced over at his 2IC who was giving him an odd look.

"_Humming_, sir?" Carter asked with amusement.

O'Neill smiled at the question, feeling a slight sense of déjà vu.

"Was I?" He asked innocently. Giving Carter a playful wink, he continued. "I'll try not to."

A few moments passed before O'Neill began to hum again.

"_Hm Hm HM hm hm hm-_"

"Jaaack…" Daniel groused warningly.

"What?"

Daniel gave his friend an exasperated look. "You _know_ what." He replied matter-of-factly.

"Oh, if you call _that_ humming!" O'Neill exclaimed, another warm sense of déjà vu washing over him.

Daniel sent a glare in O'Neill's direction. The colonel simply quirked a smile and continued on walking the long hike back to the 'gate.

"_Hm hm HM, hmhmhm-_"

"Jack, I swear to God!" Daniel threatened through clenched teeth.

"Sorry, Danny!" O'Neill replied quickly, raising his hands in defense. He could see the frustration and annoyance growing behind the archaeologist's blue eyes. "I swear. I didn't mean to do it."

Carter giggled softly to Daniel's right. Daniel turned his glare on the blonde, who quickly covered up the slip with a cough, her cheeks coloring softly.

"Don't encourage him, Sam." Daniel chided, returning his angry stare to the now brightly smiling silver-haired man.

"And you," Daniel spoke, pointing an irritated index finger at O'Neill. "No more humming. No more impersonations. And for the love of all that is good in the universe, no more Simpsons quotes!

"For the rest of the mission, Jack. You got it?" He asked, shaking his finger for emphasis.

The colonel contemplated for a moment, tapping a finger lightly on his chin. Then with a grin, he crossed his heart and agreed. "Okay, Space-Monkey. I promise."

Daniel eyed O'Neill for a moment before finally sighing, determining that the man was telling the truth.

The team fell back into form, quickly resuming their previous stride.

Twenty minutes of quiet travel soon passed and SG-1 found themselves exiting the forest and stepping back into the field where their journey had begun. The Stargate stood, unimposing, less than a mile away and the team headed toward it. The time back to the 'gate passed in relative silence, save for the spattering of grunts as the grass whipped against their legs.

As the first to reach the DHD, Daniel began to punch in a sequence of symbols, the coordinates to Earth. Sam stood beside him, GDO ready to send the iris code through as soon as the 'gate activated. Teal'c took up the rear, staff weapon in hand, scanning the horizon for any last minute surprises, while O'Neill stood quietly beside him.

Until…

"_LOOK OOOUT! HE IS A SPIDER-PIIIIG!_" O'Neill suddenly sang out loudly, his high baritone voice echoing across the field and his arms opening wide, as if he were performing a beautiful operatic solo.

"Okay, that's it!" Daniel yelled, slamming a fist on the DHD's center crystal. Dropping his pack as the Stargate flushed sideways, he lunged at the still-posing colonel.

* * *

:D so... worth the time?


End file.
